Not Over You
by Pooks1979
Summary: AU J/B - an emotional one shot inspired by "Not Over You" by Gavin DeGraw.


**A/N – this emotional one shot was inspired by "Not Over You" by Gavin DeGraw. **

They say time heals all wounds but what if the wound was so deep that it tarnished the very core of your soul with its affliction. Could someone's heart actually burn out and be no more than a muscle to sustain life? And if that were true, could that same person go through life on auto-pilot, their expressions, mannerisms and actions no more than just a robotic method of normalcy, going through the motions of the day to day but never truly living life? Is it possible to shield one's true emotion, tremendous longing, painful regret and utter despair with a smile?

I would say all that is possible and more. I live my life in the shadow of what was, could or should be. I lie in bed every morning, my arm stretched out to my left, my fingertips longing to feel the heat of your once restful body, my heart pulsing within my chest, my breathe hitched as my eyes remain sealed for fear that it would be another day without you.

This ritual continues no matter how hard I fight it. I wake up hopeful that your departure was just a bad dream, an evil trick for some of the bad choices I've made when it came to our relationship but alas, it is not a dream and I am alone. One would think that after two years of living this way, forcing my body to complete the tasks of the everyday with a smile, I would go mad, become destructive, vengeful even but I don't. I internalize like I do best and allow my body to wither away, my idle mind to suffer the lashings of your final words on instant replay and my life to remain tormented by the memories of what we were not too long ago.

I rise from another tormenting night of memory filled dreams, remembrances of the greatness that was Jake and Bells only to be awoken by the merciless alarm clock reminding me my Bells was gone and life still had to go on. I sigh heavily as I force my stubborn body to rise and drag my feet to the bathroom. I despise that mirror, the reflection ghastly and unforgiving to this man so beaten by a lover lost he cares not of his appearance and often wishes that time would end his pain.

I splash the cold water on my face, the chill reminding me of that night between the heavy rain drops of yet another horrific storm, our voices screaming out the words we both needed to hear but feared too much to say until that moment. I tried to make you see we could work this out that we were soul mates, imprints as my people called it but you saw otherwise. I reminded you that when propositioned with the choice of him over me, you chose me and yet when propositioned again, you decided the grass was green on the other side of that relationship hill and I hated you for it.

The rage and burning flame of deception ran ramped throughout me and without thought, out came the words I only thought but never dare spoke until now. It was true they were harsh but full of reality nevertheless. It was true I couldn't offer you much but what I provided vastly out weighted all the wealth he stood to offer and yet you pushed me aside and attributed your decision to the fact that you needed more. What more love could I give? You had my heart, my very soul infused with yours the moment we shared a bed together and yet it wasn't enough.

On some level I should have expected this, life was never that easy. It took the impossible to gain your affections when it was clear mine had been there for you since childhood but I fought for you. I knew you were the other piece of me and so I fought like hell to win you over and I finally did. It was the happiest day of my life the day you agreed to give us a chance and start a life with me but little did I know I would be nothing more than a trial run.

The familiar feel of resentment rears its ugly head once again, my arms gripping the porcelain walls of the sink as I try to simmer the anger by taking deep breaths and reminding myself it's over. I laugh at the thought, the saying repeated to me by my own lips and by the few friends that remained after you left. "It takes time but you'll get over it."

How do you get over losing your heart, the very muscle that truly allows you to live not only physically but emotionally as well? I made a commitment. I was willing to do everything, be anything you needed me to be and yet when the chance came, you left.

The anger subsides and grief sets end instantaneously. No matter how hard I try, how many whispers I make to myself to get over it and move on, I can't seem to get over the irony of it all. Why agree to be with me only to jump on the first opportunity not to be? If you were so in love with me, saw a future for us why leave? I knew the answer to these insidious questions and yet I denied their plausibility. I gave up everything to be with you and what I received was nothing short of a smack across the face. This weight, the grief and sadness I feel is like a ton of bricks on my shoulders, my body barely capable of withstanding it and yet it remains resilient and I forge ahead.

My hands slide slowly up from the sink, my rough callus palms rubbing against my face in defiance of my gluttony. I need to stop dwelling in the past and move on. You're gone and I'm still breathing so move on I must.

My cell phone alerts me from the other room, the back up alarm chiming in and reminding me I had fifteen minutes to get to work. Most people loathe their jobs, the routine mundane, cumbersome and annoying but I'm the complete opposite. I live for the time I'm amongst the vast timbers of the forest, my hand gripping the wooden handle as I chop down yet another one of God's miracles so a family can build a home. In some respects it rewarding but what I gain from working as an axe man is not great wealth but rather the solitude and ten hours out of the day when I'm not consumed by you.

I pool all my strength and force my body to hustle. Throwing on the closet pair of blue jeans and shirt I can find, I run my hands through my hair while reaching for my keys and head out. Thankfully my apartment is only ten minutes from work and I arrive just in the nick of time.

After a rigorous day, I decide to indulge a bit and head over to the diner in town. It was always my favorite spot because it was the only place that made a killer pecan pie. Warmly I'm greeted by Betty, an older woman in her sixties who knew me since I was a kid. She doesn't make me feel awkward or indulge in pointless conversation but rather motions from behind the counter to a table all set for me in corner of the diner. Betty was good like that. She never pried or asked why I requested such a setting. She just let me be.

As I approached the table and noticed Betty's attention to detail I smile. There is one setting for you and one for me. I was always hopeful one day you would come back through those doors similar to the way you use to when we were kids and later lovers. I'll never forget how red your skin got when you ran from your house into town to meet me each evening.

You always amazed me in that regard. Here you were, a girl who was so clumsy her own two feet were her worst enemy and yet you overcame your adolescent faults and became a marathon runner. Your resilience, stubbornness and humble nature are what bound us together and what kept me madly in love with you.

I guess on some level your retreat was my fault. Maybe I didn't love you enough or I loved you too much. The mental anguish over why you left was burdensome, my head so heavy it felt like it would surely dislocate from my neck and roll onto the floor due to the overwhelming weight alone.

I find comfort in the booth style seat and indulge in my pie like I did on every single one of our anniversaries. It was a mutual favorite of ours even when we were just friends and so it only seemed fitting to enjoy it now.

When my tongue tasted the last of this decadent treat and the only thing left were a few lingering coffee grinds in my cup, I knew the day was officially over and my hope met with disappointment yet again. It seems strange that I continue on our routine as if you never left, stole my heart and left me in pieces. I never could get over you and I suppose I never will. I know that if you walk through that door; profess how sorry you are that like a boomerang I would run back into your arms without question. I'm hopeless in so many ways and helpless in so many others. Life seems meaningless without you and I guess a small part of me hopes that you will eventually see that truth soon and come back to me.

The storm pulls in from the north with a vengeance and with it blistering winds and torrential downpours. My body is completely soaked even as I take a few running feet from my car to the apartment lobby. As much as being wet irritates me, with it comes the fond memory of us finding joy and solace within the heavy raindrops. A few of our more romantic moments transpired in response to such storms and with the thunder came the moans of our most unbridled passions and some of the greatest moments of my life.

I shake my head, frustrated that everything continues to be about you and us. I'm tired of living through faded memories and moments I know that will never come again. Why do I torment myself so? I know you will never come back to me. You despise the mundane, the stifling sent of normalcy and long to roam free which I'm sure you are doing now with him and yet I hope.

Weighted by the endless unanswered hopes I have for our relationship, I turn my key in the lock and enter my apartment, the lightening outside the only thing illuminating my way through the darkness I call home. As I throw my keys in the tray and proceed to remove my wet clothing, my ears catch a faint whimper from the bedroom.

I shake it off knowing it's probably my mind playing sick games with me yet again. It is strange how much of our lives are ruled mind over matter. There are times I could have sworn I saw you or felt you in my arms and yet those areas remained vacant when I blinked my eyes. I was full of enough pain for one day and this time I was taking control of my mind and telling it to shut up.

When the putrid wet fabric finally released my skin and came off my body I heard it again except this time, the familiar chime of my name drifted with it. Curious and slightly cautious I walk towards the bedroom and although the apartment still remains black, the bright lightening illuminates the room enough for me to be shocked still by what I see before me. I had envisioned this moment everyday for the past two years, what I would say and do and yet I was stupefied and shocked into silence unsure if you were real or an illusion.

I stare like a curious cat, my eyes enlarged, my mouth wide open and my head turning left to right trying to gauge the reality of the situation. You keep your pose, your head sunk between your arched knees, your body pulsating as the sobs came with more frequency and intensity. My gut instinct says to refrain from engaging, the outcome of comforting you could only hurt me more but my heart, the muscle in my chest that never had a normal rhythm except when you occupied it told me to push aside my apprehension and be the man you always knew me to be.

I wasn't sure who to listen to, my heart or my gut but when your eyes finally veer up from your knees, the once stunning brown orbs covered in redness, your lips chapped and cracked and your once pearly white skin now dull and blotchy I couldn't fight it and ran to your side. Although your body was drenched in wetness and shook uncontrollably within my grasp, I could still feel your warmth, my heart swelling by your hands on my back and the way your three word apology floated within my ear drums, "I'm sorry Jake".

I want to believe you but once again the battle between right and wrong, good and bad, just and righteous wage a war within my mind. I know you should suffer for what you've done but on some level I know a break up is usually a two person venture.

Should I be mad that you chose to leave me or would I have been happier having you here and personally unfulfilled? I wanted to hate you but I never could. I wanted to call you every name under the sun but I couldn't. Was this God's way of telling me that no matter what I had to accept you in my life in whatever way you chose to be there?

Before I could question, you sob "I'm sorry I hurt you, left you to be with a man I barely knew. I'm sorry I let greed and fame come before love and family. I know you must hate me but I had no where else to go. My truck broken down just outside of town and I ran here. I feel like such a…."

The ending to your sentence seeps from my lips without thought, "ass" but right behind it crept a smile. It was a cute thing we did, finish each others sentence. Your once lost and saddened expression pulled into a smile and trailing behind a slight chuckle as you wiped the tears from your eyes.

Silence filled the air around us as our eyes met and once again my future, our future beamed in crystal clarity from your eyes. I can't say the hurt subsided or disappeared entirely but there was just something about your stare that kept me captivated. I'm not sure how long we remained silent but with the loud crackle of thunder, your body began to quake and that told me silence was necessary and our talk could wait.

Slowly I pulled you to your feet, motioned one minute with my finger and ran to the dresser to get you some dry cloths. After pulling a pair of sweats and a tee shirt from the drawer, I handed them to you and moved towards the door. Before I could step out of the room, I hear you whisper "Don't go…stay."

Those three words, the same three words I pleaded on the day you left me were like sharp knives twisting and turning while they penetrate my heart. The realization of all I had endured and what I continued to endure from the loss of you bombarded me in one hit and brought me to my knees in the archway.

What was I doing? Here I was, suffering unending torment because I lost you and what do I do when you come back; I run to you with open arms. Was it wrong to push aside all the pain just to have the pleasure of your company? Should you not endure all I have if only to satisfy my enraged mind? These mental battles were a result of your bad decision but do I continue the trend, bestow the heartache onto you and allow you to feel the loss of your faithful safety net?

I grip my head, the pressure of my firm hands on my temple doing little to stop the throbbing of endless open ended questions that continuously swarm around my head like bees to a hive. Why is everything so complicated when it comes to you? This discussion should be cut and dry and yet I can't find the strength to ask you to go for fear I couldn't bear the loss of losing you twice.

"I know it was wrong of me to come here after what I put you through Jake" you whisper, your warm breath cascading over the short hairs on my neck as you kneel beside me and slide your hand on top of mine. "I have no right to be here, to ask for shelter but I had no where else to go. My dad sold the house, mom is I don't know where and my truck well…"

Your response was not what I expected. The "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be here" yes but the excuses no. When would you ever just take the blame?

"Enough excuses Bells. I don't want to hear I was your last resort. I know about your parents, the lack of options here. You made that quite clear in your little monolithic speech about leaving me. I hoped you…." my voice trails off, the words caught in my throat as if my mind and body were finally in agreement and would keep those three words locked away from you, from anyone who threatened to hurt me.

Your hand slides down from mine, glides over my chin and pulls my face up so we are eye to eye. Softly you reply "You weren't my last resort. I was blinded by empty promises and crazy dreams. I thought I could become the next Olympian and instead of listening to my gut, I jumped at the chance to be more. I didn't think of the consequences and for that I'm sorry. I offered for you to come but you said your home was here. I didn't come back to fight Jake and I respect whatever decision you make but I ask you to please accept my apology. I can't go another day without you in my life, even if all you do is tell me how wrong I've been. Please…"

I wasn't sure what to say in response. Of course I wanted you back. I never got over the fact of losing you to begin with and sure I had the opportunity to go with you but I knew he was a phony, offering you things he could never deliver and yet you dismissed my points as jealousy. Could we truly have what we had knowing you don't trust me, believe in me? There was so much doubt, so much to talk and think about and yet all that ran through my mind was, "Just stay." These were the words I repeated over and over again until I had no saliva or air left to extinguish. This is what I asked you to do for me and now you ask me to do this for you.

I could sit here and relive the past two years, bestow onto you the horrors of my lifeless existence, the mental anguish and torment I endured at your hand but that would serve no purpose. I know I could and never would get over you and so in surrender I reply "Just stay."

I felt your body engulf mine in a hug, the familiar tingling sensation of love and hope filled me as the warmth of your body covered me. I missed you so much, the touch of your skin, the smell of your hair, the heat of your body on mine and all I wanted, all I ever wanted was to feel that forever. Maybe this was the new path to forever and all I have to do was get over the old you and learn about the new you.

I wasn't sure what path lied ahead for us but what I was sure about was one thing, I couldn't life without you and this go around I was positive I would never have to try.


End file.
